DONE!

I am done! My hair has grown about 3/4 of an inch. I am still alive. It's a sunny spring day and finally, I'm off my ass and headed outdoors!

Thanks to all of you, J & K, hubby Dan, Lili & Nora, cousin Ellen, Myron, Amber, Rebecca and loads of other folks who supported me through this really taxing process. Glad it's over (bet you are too).

Here's to wasting lots of paper, and learning way too much about myself!
Bye-bye now.

Editing

This is a photo of my first conceptual map for my thoughts for research. It is amazing how far away from these ideas I feel I wandered only to realize now I remain in this topography. It is also amazing how after so much inquiry, writing, and theorizing I continue to feel far away from anything that is complete. I suppose I am caught the hermineutical delight of qualitative research and the reality of lived-experience as evaporative. Editing is so much more enjoyable for me. It feels productive.

Tea?

I've been writing letters from a Victorian perspective and trying my best to invent language and syntax of the era. No easy task. This last exam is fun, but troubling. I am glad to be a part of the 21st century and using a computer to type out my imaginings instead of sitting still, in a corset, sipping tea. I like my bald, bawdy self just fine.

Onward. Printed all completed exams and will begin editing today as I get stuck with my my last letter from 1876. What fond delight doth steal upon me!

Finish line approaching. . .

Finally, yes, finally I finished Exam three. I am feeling much lighter today and happy to have that dense and paradoxical piece out of the way, well until edit week. So, it's on to history and imagination as I write letters to a woman who was a performer in the 19th century! This last exam is a rather creative one and while I think it will be much more manageable, it will likely prove the most time consuming. I guess I'll see. All books from the last project have been ceremoniously removed and a whole new stack awaits. Ahh.

"Here Kitty, Kitty. Here girl, where are you?" (inside joke).

Late night on the moon

Yup, it's 1:41 am. I think I am done with sections A and B of Exam 3 with sections C and D to go. I'm having kind of a David Bowie moment here. Excuse me. OK. Had a major 'aha' about how to describe the phenomenon I'm studying. That's cool. Whether or not that's productive at this point I'm not yet sure. Too many delicious ideas, never enough wine to make them verbal. Sigh. It's so odd that my most productive hours are between 10 pm and 2 am. Thinking about my dad tonight. He died a year ago this time. Can't help but wonder if he has the same view as I do in this little imaginative photo.

'night, Dad.

When angels break

I am on to the third exam question which is about the aesthetics of lived-experience. In the spring of my first year of PhD work, my family presented me with a little angel figure. She had wings and a book. Being the superstitious type, I began to be concerned when her wings fell off this past fall. Then, as I was organizing all of my books and resources for these exams, the figurine leapt from her spot on the ledge and dove into my desk. She lost her head somewhere in between methodology and philosophy. Poor dear. Is she now disembodied? Does she still posses an embodied mind? Can she manage without her mind in her head and all of its conscious creating processes? Can she even "mind" being wingless and voiceless? What does her seemingly disembodied state do to her angelic powers of protection with regard to my scholarly endeavors? Headless and wingless, can she still make her protection manifest? More importantly, do I believe she can? I believe her fracture is telling me it's time to write in my own voice with power and authority - and to do so despite my trembling. Now, how do I get from belief to action?

As good as gone?

Well, Exam II is giving me a hard time. My co-worker Amber and friends J & K have made life fun by sending me goofy toys and such. So here's my sorta celebration pic about getting to at least and editable stage with the second essay. I need to just put it away and dig into the Exam III. Oh, joy! Seriously, I am actually enjoying this process as chaotic and weird as it is. The hard part is just realizing when your brain is turning inside out and folding up on itself. At that point I start kicking out all kinds of dense and tangled theoretical mumbo jumbo. Making mumbo jumbo that makes sense, now that's academic! But don't hold your breath waiting for me to figure that one out. . .

Existential Grounding for Dance

"Self-identity needs to be continually reproduced and reassured precisely because it fails to secure belief."

Peggy Phalen

In other words, we need simply the sight of others in order to begin a vision ourselves. Needs are not bad or negative. Needs are transformative.

Exam One, uh kinda done?

One week to the day and I have completed a rough draft of the first exam question. I am fried, knackered, flat, dusted, done, crispy, wasted. My bum hurts and is numb. Numb bum! Say that five times fast. Numbbum numbbum bumbubndmum mubdumdum dumbumnumb nubbummubbum nmnmnmbbbbbb. You get it.

Unsprung spring

OK, so we got snow. It was lovely, made for great ice gobblins (my hubby's creation) and sloppy trekking. Nice distraction and great sleeping weather. Lots of water for my thirsty spinach and 'tatoes. The heat will arrive all too soon, and so will my deadlines! Yikes. Out of the reverie and into the crunch of ideas into text. Sigh. More snow?

Bad Weather Boone

I am eating lunch. Golden Soup in the Green Banana Cell. It's cold, windy, icy, and snowing outside. All of my classes and rehearsals have been canceled for today and tomorrow! I am happy with my little bowl of sunshine. Sometimes life is just too good.

Fried Monk in the Green Room

I am only just finished part I of Section I of Questions I. I still have part II of Section I, Section II, and Section III of Question I, Question II, Question III, and Question IV. Any questions? I am tired.

Head Shaving

Rite of Passage

This exam constitutes 1/3 of the entire PhD process, and it is the most important part, the culmination of coursework and foundation for dissertation. I felt the need to mark this period as a rite of passage and, like many people from various cultures, mark my body to visibly express this process of transformation. I asked my husband to shave my head. He laughed so hard he cried. So both of us got something out of it. My children have been rubbing my head, which feels good and nurturing. I anticipate seeing the passage of time daily as my hair grows. In the end, I will have a new measurement for this task, something like, it takes ___ inches of hair growth to know your qualifying exams are complete. When most folks use the metaphor of pulling hair out during stress like this, I'll ask, "Hey, how much did your hair grow writing exams?"

It Begins . . .

Whoah. Received my questions today. I am overwhelmed and my head is melting. Complex? Yes. Good quesitons? Oh yeah. Man, did I ask for it.

Saint Patrick's Day Painting Party

Completely changed my office to make it a bit more comfortable. Green. Bright Green. Bright Banana Green. This helps as there are no windows and I will be in here for hours and hours. The studio is just next door, so I can get up and move if need be.

Preparations for Performance

Twelve days until I begin my qualifying exams for my doctoral program. This blog will track the experience of writing four, 25 page professional papers in six weeks. I've already proposed the areas about which I will write and summarized how they relate to what I hope will be my dissertation topic. No matter. My committee of three will write questions that they feel I need to answer in order to demonstrate my knowledge - breadth and depth - within the field of dance studies, philosophy, performance and history. Hence, the performance here. What better way to talk about the validity of personal experience as research than a blog, right? Keep watching. They'll be more. In the meantime, I'm loading my Mac with tunes, organizing my resources, & spending time cooking and sleeping as these are things that will not be happening while writing. Wish me luck!